I’m a train wreck

I have two posts on my mind right now, and the focus to complete neither of them.  This is meant to be introspective, and, honestly, is probably more written for me than it is for you.  Why post it to the Internet then, instead of, say, a moleskine?  Excellent question.  I don’t rightly know, other than to say I suppose it’s going to be the catharsis of typing it out and sharing the thought process with somebody else who may have felt this way or who currently does, or may even feel this way in the future.  Forgive me if I digress or if I seem to be channeling a 14-year-old girl who is going through an emo phase.  You’ve been warned, skip it if you want.

One of my best and worst character traits that I may have touched on before is that I’m a helper and a people-pleaser.  I say best because I really do try my best to help people whenever they need me and I’ll often do so at personal expense – be it fiscal, mental, or physical.  I don’t say this as a toot my own horn kinda thing (though, I’m sure some of you who know me better are probably rolling your eyes and thinking I’m a bloated wind-bag*), I’m just trying to put this in perspective.

I say worst because it usually leads to me trying to take all of the stress/anxiety/frustration/what have you of my friends and family of which I am aware** and internalize it and try to carry it for them.  Unlike Sam in The Lord of the Rings, who so insightfully says, “I may not be able to carry [the ring] for you, Mr. Frodo, but I can carry you,” while they’re climbing Mount Doom***, I try to carry the weight of something that isn’t necessarily mine.  The problems with this are numerous, not the least of which is that eventually, my compassion burns out and I’m left bitter, cynical, jaded, and feeling very much that I just wish to be left alone.****  This often leaves me falling off the planet for extended periods of time***** in order to recuperate and take a run at the brick wall that the world is.******

With the above being said, it often leads me to feeling somewhere between a thousand rubber bands which have been spun together at the ends an infinite number of times and a hummingbird on a steady diet of cocaine (not that I actually know what cocaine feels like…but…poetic license or something).  It also leaves me ill-equipped to deal with my own stresses, anxieties, and problems, which, of course, only exacerbates things. It also means I often feel obligated to things that I’m probably not and probably aren’t the best decisions for me, but I’d rather suffer and struggle than “cut and run.”*******

I don’t know exactly how to overcome any of this, other than talking about it to the people I can or writing about it so the universe can maybe relate.  And thus, this.  Maybe I’m writing this all in some pitiful attempt at attention.  I like to think I’m not that a-hole, but maybe I am.  If your only comment at the end of this is, “Hang in there,” or, “You’re awesome,” please, refrain.

Today, the world decided to strap on steel-toed boots and kick me square in the nether-region with a rather healthy dose of my own stress and that of a friend (which I’ll forgo sharing, as it’s not mine to discuss).  My own stress, I’ll elaborate on a bit, and again, I apologize for the whiny-ness of all of this.

I’m 27 years old with two undergraduate degrees – one in unemployment Philosophy and one in Economics – and yet I wait tables and bartend.  I don’t mean that to degrade my work (and, to be honest, I should be more thankful for the fact that I have A job, much less a DREAM job).  I’m constantly questioning what it means to be a man, much less a good one.

I suppose the only thing I really can do is pick up and keep fighting.  Quitting’s not an option.

So, dear reader, thank you for allowing me to vent.  Thank you for being someone who’s decided to share the struggle with me, even when I suck at it.  I hope you’re well, and that I can be a friend when you need one.********

—————

* You’re not wrong.

** And possibly the world.  I have a bit of an Atlas complex (no, I don’t know if that’s a thing, but it gets the point across).

*** A paraphrasing of what I remember from the books (it’s been a couple years) and the movies.  Also, sorry if I just ruined it for you.

**** Not unlike Bilbo by the end of his days.  Also, that’s exactly what I need: more cynicism and jaded.

***** Or, as some of you have lovingly named it, “Daving.”  Also, I need to look into how to number footnotes rather than using an infinite number of asterisks.  Perhaps another post.

****** Here, I’m reminded of Don Quixote tilting at windmills.  I just used two footnotes in one sentence.  God, I’m pretentious.

******* Yes, intellectually, I know that’s stupid.  That’s part of the problem.  Intellectual knowledge and understanding are different.

******** In a healthy way.

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One Response to “I’m a train wreck”

  1. madamduckie Says:

    Quitting is not an option but sometimes it sure feels like the best one. Thought you might want to know, co-dependency is a real thing and very much similar to your “atlas” complex. It is a hard balance to walk, helping people, being empathic, while still maintaining your own sense of homeostasis. Invest your energy in places it will truly matter and you will get the most output for your input. Being someone who tends towards co-dependency, it is all too easy to cross into enabling. Be aware of the sincere and genuine people who are in need of your help and know that sometimes the best help shines through the smallest actions. Actions, which you are often probably not even aware of. Something I often ask myself is- what right do I have to help others, if I can’t even help myself? and of course- in the long run is what I am doing helping this/that/these persons? Enjoy your blog. Keep it up 🙂

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