Earthquakes Abound…

*Warning: This post had a point to it, but as I’ve written it, it’s become more of a stream of consciousness thing.

My friend (whom I wish I knew a lot better, to be honest), Matt Murphy, wrote a really good piece on friendship and drifting apart which I have bookmarked and go back and read occasionally that does a pretty good job of summarizing my relationship with people.  I moved a lot as a kid, so I don’t have any really close friends, to be honest (sorry to those of you whom that might hurt…but I’m trying to be as honest as I can).  I’ve had a couple really close friends whom I have fallen out of touch for a long time and I’m starting to reconnect with (which is a bit strange, to be honest), but by and large, the people I become friends with are those who are closest and those whom I see regularly.  It’s something I’ve talked about with several people and most of them agree that my way of doing things is a bit strange (surprise).  They’re not wrong.  I’ve realized that really, to some extent, it’s not healthy, either.  I love having moved a lot and having tons of people who I feel pretty connected to, but I’ve never had a tight group of friends who I’ve done a good job of keeping up with (again, my fault completely, and to those of you who I ran with in college particularly – Ethan, Em, Tom, Phelps, I really am sorry that I suck.  It’s something I’m beginning to work on and hopefully we’ll get a chance to catch up over homecoming?)

Friendship is a strange thing for me.  I’ve spent a lot of my life avoiding it to a large extent.  It’s easier to keep people at a distance, even when I fail at doing that, because if we fall out of touch (which seems inevitable in my life), it’s not the end of the world.

The friend I talked to tonight pointed out that a lot of my formerly close friends who still live in the area do miss me.  And, to some extent, I miss them, too.  There are a lot of reasons I lost touch with them.  Part of it had to do with a break up that happened a while ago and rather than make the friends choose whose side to be on, I made that choice for them by bailing.  I also needed time away to clear my own head and shrug off the hurt.  Didn’t really work out that way.  I dug myself deeper into a hole, something I’m becoming more and more aware that I’m incredibly good at.  Part of it has to do with the fact that my faith in God, something many of the friend group in question and I share, waivers a lot.  There are some days where I’m solid as a rock.  Other days, not even freakin’ close.  There’s a reason (for those of you who know the Bible) why I almost picked Peter as my Confirmation saint.   He was the biggest screw-up of the Apostles (he was chosen by Christ to be the head of the Church and yet he denies Him three times after swearing he would die alongside Him).  I know that even the holiest of people feel like this sometimes (read Blessed Mother Theresa’s diary if you want insight)…but it’s just something I struggle with a ton.

Right…what was I blabbering about?  Oh yeah, friendship.  So yeah…I have a really bad habit of drifting in my friendships.  Those of you who know me well know this.  It’s not something I like (though I suppose something I should fix), but it happens.  It’s something I’m working on, I suppose.  Call me on that sh*t, ’cause I know I suck at it but it’s so second-nature in a lot of cases that I don’t even notice.

At the same time as having written all of the above, there’s a part of me that’s realizing that there are some friends of mine who I’m actually really close to that I’m going to have to end up cutting out of my life for the better.  Some friendships aren’t meant to be because they’re just not helping you grow as a person.  A healthy friendship, I think, does.  Maybe I’m crazy.  Iunno.  I guess there are just some people that, though I love them, it’s probably in both of our best interests that we go our separate ways because we’re not helping each other.  Maybe I’m overthinking again.  Insight is welcome.

In closing, I’m working on it.  Please, cut me a little slack, but don’t let me get away with too much (I will).  I hope this writing finds you each well, and that we get a chance to catch up soon.

– d

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2 Responses to “Earthquakes Abound…”

  1. matthewfmurphy Says:

    All life is experimentation, man. If you are working to improve and not satisfied with where you are and not digging yourself deeper, then you are on a positive course. I know I would really love to hang out sometime.

  2. justamusician Says:

    It’s true. It’s just a really strange place to have ended up after all the places I’ve been in my head.

    Are you and the missus coming down for homecoming?

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