Archive for October, 2010

Earthquakes Abound…

10/18/2010

*Warning: This post had a point to it, but as I’ve written it, it’s become more of a stream of consciousness thing.

My friend (whom I wish I knew a lot better, to be honest), Matt Murphy, wrote a really good piece on friendship and drifting apart which I have bookmarked and go back and read occasionally that does a pretty good job of summarizing my relationship with people.  I moved a lot as a kid, so I don’t have any really close friends, to be honest (sorry to those of you whom that might hurt…but I’m trying to be as honest as I can).  I’ve had a couple really close friends whom I have fallen out of touch for a long time and I’m starting to reconnect with (which is a bit strange, to be honest), but by and large, the people I become friends with are those who are closest and those whom I see regularly.  It’s something I’ve talked about with several people and most of them agree that my way of doing things is a bit strange (surprise).  They’re not wrong.  I’ve realized that really, to some extent, it’s not healthy, either.  I love having moved a lot and having tons of people who I feel pretty connected to, but I’ve never had a tight group of friends who I’ve done a good job of keeping up with (again, my fault completely, and to those of you who I ran with in college particularly – Ethan, Em, Tom, Phelps, I really am sorry that I suck.  It’s something I’m beginning to work on and hopefully we’ll get a chance to catch up over homecoming?)

Friendship is a strange thing for me.  I’ve spent a lot of my life avoiding it to a large extent.  It’s easier to keep people at a distance, even when I fail at doing that, because if we fall out of touch (which seems inevitable in my life), it’s not the end of the world.

The friend I talked to tonight pointed out that a lot of my formerly close friends who still live in the area do miss me.  And, to some extent, I miss them, too.  There are a lot of reasons I lost touch with them.  Part of it had to do with a break up that happened a while ago and rather than make the friends choose whose side to be on, I made that choice for them by bailing.  I also needed time away to clear my own head and shrug off the hurt.  Didn’t really work out that way.  I dug myself deeper into a hole, something I’m becoming more and more aware that I’m incredibly good at.  Part of it has to do with the fact that my faith in God, something many of the friend group in question and I share, waivers a lot.  There are some days where I’m solid as a rock.  Other days, not even freakin’ close.  There’s a reason (for those of you who know the Bible) why I almost picked Peter as my Confirmation saint.   He was the biggest screw-up of the Apostles (he was chosen by Christ to be the head of the Church and yet he denies Him three times after swearing he would die alongside Him).  I know that even the holiest of people feel like this sometimes (read Blessed Mother Theresa’s diary if you want insight)…but it’s just something I struggle with a ton.

Right…what was I blabbering about?  Oh yeah, friendship.  So yeah…I have a really bad habit of drifting in my friendships.  Those of you who know me well know this.  It’s not something I like (though I suppose something I should fix), but it happens.  It’s something I’m working on, I suppose.  Call me on that sh*t, ’cause I know I suck at it but it’s so second-nature in a lot of cases that I don’t even notice.

At the same time as having written all of the above, there’s a part of me that’s realizing that there are some friends of mine who I’m actually really close to that I’m going to have to end up cutting out of my life for the better.  Some friendships aren’t meant to be because they’re just not helping you grow as a person.  A healthy friendship, I think, does.  Maybe I’m crazy.  Iunno.  I guess there are just some people that, though I love them, it’s probably in both of our best interests that we go our separate ways because we’re not helping each other.  Maybe I’m overthinking again.  Insight is welcome.

In closing, I’m working on it.  Please, cut me a little slack, but don’t let me get away with too much (I will).  I hope this writing finds you each well, and that we get a chance to catch up soon.

– d

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We were meant to live for so much more…

10/11/2010

Aside from being a really catchy pop song by a band with distinct Christian overtones, the title of this blog is really where my mindset has been over the last week or so.  Through some great conversations with some new and rather close friends, I’ve realized that one of the reasons I’ve been so miserable over the past while is because I’ve forgotten a big part of myself.  I’ve allowed myself to lose the hope of being able to do something bigger than myself and the hope of leaving wherever I go a better place than I found it (and I don’t really even mean that from a Christian perspective, though, certainly, that plays a part).  There are a lot of reasons for this, and it’s been a gradual process (though I’m sure some of the readers who have known me longer will have their opinions).  I just realized that lately I’ve been more concerned with surviving than living.

I was reminded of all of this when I was watching a documentary on the hardcore punk scene on The History Channel.  It was actually about a gang that started and was focused on fighting.  I couldn’t help but think of the scenes I came up in and how there was so much more of a positive message than that.  I guess in some ways, I’ve always felt that’s one of the shortcomings of so much of punk music (excluding, obviously, posicore, etc.).  And somewhere along the way, I lost that.  I’m going to make a concerted effort to get back to actively taking part in the world and trying to improve it.  I realize this sounds kind of stupid, but by not doing this, I’ve kinda made myself less of who I am and more of what the world expects of me.

Anyway, how’s everyone else doing?