What do you get…

…when you take a kid and kick him enough while he’s down?

Well, dear reader, you get the author of this blog.  You get a jaded, bitter old man who’s only actually 26 who has lost faith in humanity, lost his faith in himself, and lost his way in life.  As you’ve no doubt guessed by now, I do a lot of soul searching (perhaps too much, quite honestly).  I regularly write about how things aren’t going well, and I don’t mean to appear negative (though I am) or that I’m overlooking or taking for granted the countless blessings that I have (though I do).  These are just often the thoughts that actually motivate me to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.  This will be another one of those posts.  Lately, I’ve been trying to consider where I am in life and why I am the way I am.

All I’m really trying to say by writing this is that I know I have a ton of work to do.  I know that I still have a lot of work to do regarding my faith life, regarding my headspace on my world views, regarding the way I interact with people, and so much more.  I’ve got a really bizarre personality because I have some alpha tendencies but I also have more than a small inferiority complex.  I’ve got a performer’s personality – I like to perform because it’s safer to have people see what I want them to if I’m only showing them a mask of myself and I need a lot of reassurance and encouragement, which I get by performing.   I don’t always perform to get that.  Sometimes my performances are done because there’s a gap in what a group needs.  Sometimes I perform because I like to get a rise out of people, I like to make people uncomfortable, or I like to make people think by challenging what they believe (to me, there’s little worse in the world than a belief which has no defense for it).   It makes me brash and it makes me appear to be argumentative.  Most of the time I’m not challenging something just to challenge it, though, I’m challenging it to try and understand it.  I realize this rubs a lot of people the wrong way and drives a lot of people away from me in friendship and other relationships.  It’s something that ten years ago I didn’t care about because, “If you can’t deal with the way I approach things, that’s you’re problem.”  Though, on some level, I still hold a bit of that mentality, it’s something I need to work on so I AM less of a jackass (not to concede that I am…but let’s face it.  Sometimes the shoe fits).

I’ve been fighting a losing battle against becoming jaded for a while now.  I’m an idealist who, after enough failure, becomes frustrated and bitter which leads me to despair in whatever the failure is in.  It’s not healthy, but it’s who I am.  It’s what draws me to be aggressive with things I care passionately about and it’s what pushes me to become morose when things go horribly, horribly awry.  Though a lot of the time I’ll keep fighting through whatever the setback is (giving up isn’t something I’m okay with), I mostly carry on with a bitter, sarcastic, or pessimistic attitude.  Over the last few years, it’s probably something I’ve allowed to creep more out of my actions and into my thinking and every-day life.  As they say, practice virtue and you’ll be virtuous, practice vice and you’ll be a slave to vice.

Until recently, I’ve been hoping that this mental state would lead me to bottom so I could hit it, push off, and start heading to the positive again (as is my usual approach), but I don’t think I can let myself do that.

So…even though it’s going to be a long, uphill fight, and I may fight a losing battle or I may tread water, hopefully I’ll pull through.  Hopefully it will also lead to some writing or photographic concepts I can post here.  If not, and this space goes dead for a while (not that it’s ever done that before…), sorry.  Know that it’s hopefully for a better purpose and hopefully I’ll come out a better person on the other side.  If you’re the prayin’ kind, whisper a little one for me.  If you’re not, positive thoughts/whatever are also appreciated.

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2 Responses to “What do you get…”

  1. Ethan Says:

    Man – I feel for you. I’ve felt completely worthless at times. It always feels the worst when I’m floating aimlessly. I think that’s kind of what caused me to stop feeling strongly about anything related to faith. It provided this, sort of, nebulous, reward-less goal. I guess I’m not really expecting some all-powerful being to care whether or not I do right over some insignificantly small period of time. Instead, I guess I’ve found comfort in terrestrial. Things that are tangible or affect people give me direction and worth. Maybe your next post could be about hashing out some of your ideas for tangible or personal goals with physical results. Look, you jackass (if the shoe still fits?) you’re well liked by many, so don’t go hitting any bottoms just because it might be there to hit, because there won’t be as much to come back up to.

    • justamusician Says:

      Thanks man. Things are looking up as my living situation/personal life are falling into line…but yeah…it’s a lot going on in my head. Anyway, hope things are well and I really look forward to seeing you and Em soon.

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